5 Times Viktor Tried to Make Pork Katsudon and 1 Time He Succeeded
by Leahelisabeth
Summary: Viktor is a VERY BAD cook but he loves Yuuri SO MUCH and therefore he must learn to cook his favourite dish. Shenanigans ensue.


1.

Yuuri was already licking his lips as he unlocked the door to his and Viktor's shared apartment. He had gone grocery shopping yesterday and done a significant amount of prep work that evening and everything was ready to be turned into delicious pork katsudon almost as good as his mother makes. He had been looking forward to this homecoming all day. Viktor would be home in an hour and Yuuri loved to have dinner on the table for him. Yuri teased him and called him Viktor's wife but Yuuri kinda liked it.

Yuuri kicked off his shoes at the door and made a beeline for the kitchen. The sight that met him when he arrived was definitely not as he had pictured. He had left the kitchen immaculate, save for his empty coffee cup by the sink. It was now dwarfed by the mound of what looked like every single dish they owned. There was raw egg splattered on the stove, the counters, the floor, and improbably, the ceiling. A crust of...something brown looked to be gaining sentience on the refrigerator door and there, frantically trying to do something about the mess with varying degrees of efficacy, were three of the most important people in his life.

A horrible sinking feeling came over Yuuri and he stepped over Makkachin where he was licking up some unidentifiable purple substance from the floor, and opened the refrigerator. Every single one of the ingredients he had lovingly prepared that morning were gone.

Yuuri turned slowly, anger dark in his eyes.

"Who did this?" he asked, low and menacing.

Makkachin put his head on his paws and whined. Yurio pulled his hands out of a sinkful of dirty dishwater. Viktor dropped the spatula he'd been using to scrape up some of the baked in muck on the stovetop and turned with the smile that usually melted Yuuri's heart. "We wanted to surprise you," Victor shouted, gracefully spinning around and dropping a tender kiss on Yuuri's furrowed brow.

"We wouldn't have even bothered if we knew you were going to be a jerk about it," Yurio growled.

"Surprise me with what? A kitchen to clean? Terrible smells? A stomach full of shattered dreams?" This disappointment was too much for Yuuri after such a long and exhausting day and he dropped his head into his hands and started to cry.

The rest of the room's occupants leapt into a flurry of motion. Makkachin jumped up to put his paws on Yuuri's shoulders so he could lick his face. Viktor came in on the other side, rivalling Makkachin in enthusiasm and slobber. Yurio flailed his arms in the background, doing his best to scowl reassuringly.

Viktor couldn't make himself understood so he led Yuuri into the dining room where the table was set with what was supposed to be Pork Katsudon.

"You made me dinner?" Yuuri asked in a small voice.

"It's your favourite!" Viktor beamed, leading Yuuri to the place of honour. All three of them watched with bated breath as Yuuri took his first bite. It was awful. The egg and pork were tough and leathery, the vegetables were charred to cinders, and the rice was a glob of mush so sticky he couldn't see the individual grains. But Yuuri beamed at the people around the table and picked up another bite. If he concentrated really hard, he could taste the love.

2.

Viktor wasn't stupid. He slipped a bite out of the bowl with his fork even though Yuuri tried to block him with his chopsticks. That was DEFINITELY not how that dish was supposed to taste. Where was the rapture, the heavenly flavour and texture that was surely Yuuri's introduction to orgasm? He had failed! Failed his love, his life, his everything!

Yurio didn't understand. "You cooked for the little piggy and the little piggy ate. Why are you complaining?"

"Yuuri loves pork katsudon! I must give him what he loves! I must not disappoint my Yuuri!" Viktor grabbed Yurio by the shoulders and shook him sharply.

"Alright, I get it," Yurio shoved him off. "You are disgusting. Your love is disgusting. But count me out. I don't want to clean up after another of your...experiments."

"Fine," Viktor huffed. "Leave me in my hour of need. Don't come crawling to me when I become the greatest pork cutlet chef in Russia."

Yurio glared and stomped out, slamming the door so hard the pictures on the wall rattled in their frames.

After much though, Viktor decided to make his next attempt without Makkachin as well. Most of the raw egg splatter had come from his enthusiastic paws. He pulled the ingredients out of the fridge. This time, they had not been prepared ahead of time, but how hard could it be to chop things up? Especially once he found his secret weapon, a youtube tutorial by a Russian speaker!

He did the pork first. Then he could cut the vegetables while it was cooking. It was easy now that he could see it being done. His vegetables weren't cut quite as straight or small as Yuuri's had been but he was just an amateur. Then, disaster struck! Grease from the pan started to spatter and fly out onto the hot stove and suddenly there were flames everywhere and Viktor was so startled that he sliced his thumb open with the knife and he could only stand there in the middle of the kitchen, thumb pouring blood, eyes pouring tears, as his beautiful pork cutlet was consumed by the hot flames of hell.

Thankfully, Yuuri heard the smoke alarm from the elevator and came running in. "Vitya!" he shouted. "What happened?" He didn't wait for an answer, just grabbed the fire extinguisher and showered it over the charcoaled mess on the stove.

"I was cooking," Viktor said in a small voice.

Yuuri's face was exasperated but his hands were gentle as he examined the cut on Viktor's hand. "You're going to need stitches," he sighed. "Come on, let's go get in the car. We'll get takeout on the way home."

Viktor nodded and curled close into Yuuri's side. He glared venomously at the mess on the stove. This was not the end.

3.

Viktor eventually came to the conclusion that the problem was that he had been too ambitious. He was trying to do everything at once when he needed to master the steps individually. It was like skating. He was trying to do a quad toe loop right out of the gate when he really needed to work up to it, build his strength and stamina on easier jumps. He had to master the fundamentals before he could do everything at once. So this time, he started earlier, and chopped the vegetables first. They were looking much more even in spite of the thick bandage on his thumb. Then he measured the rice and water into the pot so all he had to do was turn it on when he was ready to watch it. He followed carefully every instruction as he prepared the pork. Then he left it on a small plate on the side as he prepared the egg. Then he caught sight of the clock. Yuuri would be home in less than five minutes and Viktor still had to plate everything and light the candles and change into the special surprise outfit he had bought especially for the occasion.

He looked at the rice pot and it didn't seem right. The burner was off but he didn't remember turning it off. He must have though. There was still water in the pot but he probably added too much again so he just dumped it over a strainer and scooped some into the bowl. It looked much more delicious than his first attempt.

He ran and managed to get into his place, panting slightly from the exertion, by the time Yuuri's key was turning in the lock.

Yuuri's gaze turned hungry the moment he saw Viktor standing by the door in his new blue silk robe. Viktor lounged casually against the wall, crossing his arms so a hint of the lace on his chest peeked through. The hem of the robe just brushed the top of the garter for the silk stockings on long legs made all the more graceful by the 6 inch heels on Viktor's feet.

"You got me a present?" Yuuri asked, his voice gone husky with want. "Shall I unwrap it know or later?"

"Later, of course," Viktor turned, knowing exactly the angle to show off his ass to perfection. "I made dinner.

Yuuri's eyebrows rose in pleasant surprise when he saw the meal Viktor had prepared. "It looks...good," he said.

"Don't sound so shocked. Now eat up. You'll need your energy for later," Viktor winked.

Yuuri obediently sat down and tucked in. He tried a piece of the pork first. "It's good," he said, but Viktor noticed he chewed it for twice, maybe even three times as long as usual. Then Yuuri scooped up some of the rice. They both froze at the audible crunch as Viktor realized he might have forgotten to turn the pot on at all.

Yuuri swallowed with some difficulty before setting his chopsticks down. "As much as I would love to eat this whole dinner, I am far too distracted by the present you got me. I really think I ought to unwrap it right now."

Viktor let himself be distracted and pretended not to notice the food in the garbage later next to the empty takeout carton. He would get this right.

4.

He didn't get it right. But it was maybe less wrong. Viktor made a checklist of every step and checked them off one by one. He didn't forget anything this time. But he sneaked a bite of the pork later and it was still far too tough. And while the food tasted fine and Yuuri was able to eat all of it, it wasn't the revelation Viktor was hoping for. Back to the drawing board.

5.

It was the pork. It HAD to be the pork. He had everything else figured out but the meat was always tough and chewy and Yuuri often left pieces of it behind even though it was his favourite part of his mother's katsudon.

So, whatever happened, Viktor was NOT going to overcook the pork this time. He watched it like a hawk and the moment it appeared to be the right colour, he pulled it out and sliced it. He noticed with satisfaction that it was much pinker and juicier looking than his earlier attempts.

The moment Yuuri put a piece in his mouth, his eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

"It's good! Isn't it!" Viktor shouted with glee. "I finally did it! Let me have a piece. I want to taste my triumph."

A determined look spread over Yuuri's face. "No, you can't have any. It's mine." He hugged the bowl and moved it out of the way of Viktor's questing fork. Viktor pouted but he was pleased. There wasn't a single piece left in the bowl when he cleared the table.

Hours later, he was stretched out in their bed, waiting for Yuuri to come lie beside him, maybe to make out lazily until they fell asleep, when he heard a strange sound from the bathroom.

He got up and opened the door to reveal his beloved Yuuri bending over the toilet bowl and bringing up everything he had in his stomach.

"Yuuri, are you sick?" Viktor crossed his legs and dropped gracefully to sit behind his husband. Yuuri relaxed a little into Viktor, trying to catch his breath, but he was soon back over the toilet, this time throwing up nothing but bile. "What happened? You were fine at dinner."

Yuuri went very still and a cold chill rushed down Viktor's spine. "Oh my god, have I poisoned you?"

Yuuri just shook his head and looked away. Viktor grabbed his chin and forced Yuuri to look him in the eyes.

"The pork was almost raw," he admitted.

"And you ate it? You ate all of it!" Viktor shouted. Yuuri winced and Viktor rubbed his forehead in sympathy.

"You try so hard. And you wanted a bite. I couldn't let you eat raw pork. You could get sick. And I know you eat the leftover pieces from my bowl even if you don't make any for yourself," Yuuri admitted before leaning over the toilet once more.

"So you made yourself sick instead? What am I supposed to do with you, my Yuuri?" Viktor sighed. He silently held his husband until the worst was over and then tucked him into bed with a bucket, a cold cloth on his forehead, and a hot pad on his abused stomach muscles. He lay awake for a long time after Yuuri drifted off. It was time to change his approach.

+1

The first thing they did that summer was visit Hasetsu. Viktor put his plan into motion the moment they reached the onsen and Yuuri took their bags to their room.

"Hiroko!" He threw himself at Yuuri's mother. "Please be my coach! I need to learn how to make katsudon for Yuuri!"

"Of course, Viktor," Hiroko smiled warmly. "And how many times do I need to tell you to call me Mama."

Viktor blushed but didn't answer as Yuuri wandered into the kitchen behind him.

"Yuuri, Minako is expecting you at the rink. You should run if you don't want to be late," Hiroko scolded.

"Ok," Yuuri said, startled. "I guess you should put your shoes back on, Viktor."

"I need Viktor here," Hiroko scowled. "Hurry up now."

Yuuri stumbled back out of the kitchen and the outside door banged closed a few seconds later. Hiroko picked up her phone and texted quickly. "There," she smirked. "I told Minako to meet him at the rink and keep him busy for a couple hours. Let's begin."

Viktor was exhausted by the time dinner was on the table and a yawning Yuuri was sitting next to him with a beautiful bowl of pork katsudon in front of him.

Viktor watched, hardly breathing, as Yuuri put a bite in his mouth and chewed. He sighed happily and closed his eyes. "Mama, you have outdone yourself. This is the best pork katsudon I have ever tasted."

"Don't thank me, thank Viktor. He did the cooking," Hiroko smiled proudly.

"Viktor? You?" Yuuri gaped.

Viktor smiled shyly and nodded.

"You did it! I'm so proud of you!" Yuuri pulled his husband in for a kiss that flirted with the boundaries of propriety. "But how?" He asked when he came back up for air."

Viktor smiled at Hiroko across the table. "It just goes to show how the right coach can change your life."


End file.
